SO bummed...

I really need to use my blog today to talk about something very important to me.

Before Henry was born I had already decided that I was going to breastfeed him. My goal was to do this until he turned 1. It was never a question in my mind. For the first 3 months of his life I breastfed him 95% of the time, and the rest I pumped and gave him breastmilk by bottle.

Then my gallbladder ruined that plan. The one week in the hospital obviously left me with no choice but to feed him by bottle. Luckily I had some breastmilk stored in the fridge for emergencies like this. Unfortunately, I ended up staying in the hospital much longer than I had expected. So, John had to start mixing the breastmilk with formula. Not really what I wanted, but if my son is hungry he needs to be fed!

When I returned home from the hospital I continued pumping and giving him bottles that were a mixture of formula and breastmilk. Still not what I had planned, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

It's been over two months since my surgery and I continue to pump 7+ times a day recording every ounce that I produce. The last few weeks my supply has been decreasing. I talked to my ob/gyn about this and he prescribed something to increase my supply, although I won't be taking it because of all of the possible side effects. Drowsiness, dizziness, diahrea, depression, suicidal thoughts, involuntary muscle movements...Um, no thanks!

So, today I've only pumped a little over 8 ounces, and that includes the last two times I've pumped and barely 1/4 of an ounce came out. So, I'm thinking that we're nearing the end.

I've been pretty emotional about this lately, and I'm not sure exactly why. Is it because I feel like I'm letting Henry or myself down? Is it because Henry is growing up way too fast and is ready for other foods besides formula/breastmilk? Is it because I had planned to breastfeed/pump for a year and it doesn't look like that's going to happen? I don't know, maybe it's all of these reasons.

Anyway, I just needed to get this out because there are many times when I think about it that I feel like I could cry.